Balancing Act

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Even over three years into my quest to improve my health, I have these moments where I really can’t believe I’m not struggling with being overweight. That’s not to say that I’ve arrived at my ideal level of fitness and vitality. It’s just that I’ve moved so much closer to that point of balance and equilibrium on the ever-evolving continuum of wellness. From around the time I was twelve until well after my thirtieth birthday, there was rarely a day where I didn’t obsess over food in some negative way. Of course, some would say I still obsess over food, but even if that’s true, in the sense that I’m clearer about what I want and don’t want, I generally don’t internalize any negative feelings regarding the way I eat. There’s no longer that feeling of being an addict trapped in a downward spiral of hopelessness. No overindulgence and continued feelings of guilt and despair, with empty promises to myself to “start tomorrow.”

Still, there are days when I feel more positive and motivated than others, but there’s the general feeling that I’ve gotten off of the yo-yo dieting, self-loathing, compulsive eating merry-go-round that monopolized much of my life. I have relatively little fear of ever getting back on that dizzy ride again. But, old habits die hard, and sometimes in a rushed moment of hurriedly eating a meal in between screaming kids or running out the door for one activity or another, those old chaotic, mindless feelings about food trickle in, and I have to stop and remind myself to breathe and focus. Thankfully, the kinds of foods I choose and crave these days differ immeasurably than those of yesteryear, but it is still possible to overeat healthy foods. So, there must be that ever-conscious balance between quality and quantity.

Granted, losing weight and lessening my focus on dieting has peeled away layers and exposed a myriad of other facets of myself on which to continue to evolve. I have all sorts of things on my personal to-do list still remaining to be checked off. My primary focus these days is centered around my children, and all that it takes to care for them. Above all, even when I feel like I’m dropping the ball in certain areas, or just don’t have enough time to fit it all in (especially with regards to homeschooling), I remember that my behavior is their primary model, and simply paying attention to my own feelings and behaviors is likely to benefit them more than anything.

And then there’s that balance thing again… As much as I love my children, and am pretty much absorbed in the role of being a 30-something homeschooling mom, I TRY to reserve that little part of myself to just be... whatever; to revel in the possibilities yet to come. And that is where my journey has led me thus far; to the present moment. I am always trying to use it most efficiently while still valuing the importance of being “present.”