Food Fog

Sleepy Me

Monday, 26 January 2009

Sometimes you just need to pay attention to realize something is out of balance. I realized today that something is different. I’m feeling more anxious about everything and my sleep has been very disrupted. Actually, I’m not sure if that sentence should be reversed. My sleep has been very disrupted, and I’m feeling more anxious about everything. I think an intervention on behalf of myself is in order.

We’ve been doing a “spend nothing” month, meaning we spend nothing, except on necessities. So, that means asking at every juncture where money is to be spent, whether it’s a want or a need. More often than not, it’s a want, and we simply defer the impulse. We’re in our third week now, and it’s all been great, for the most part. We’ve spent less, obviously, we’ve stayed home more, we’re gotten more creative with things to do, and it’s opened up a lot of dialogue about money with the kids.

However, I think I’m starting to get cabin fever a bit. I spend most of my days home preparing a lot of meals from scratch; partly to save money and partly to continue on our quest for improved health. Some days are more labor intensive than others. I TRY to plan ahead, taking one day to chop veggies and fruits, make nut/seed/soy “milk,” bake low-sugar muffins or cookies for the kids, etc. But often, the distractions of life, and homeschooling activities (both in the home and elsewhere) interfere with my best intentions and ideal schedule, and I get overwhelmed with trying to meet everyone’s dietary needs and the seemingly endless thought it requires to manage.

I think reflecting on our spending habits, coupled with the New Year’s usual focus on health and fitness has definitely been the catalyst for these recent unsettled feelings. I’ve had all my vices taken away and I feel a lot of those feelings from my dieting past; feelings of anxiety about losing control, feeling like I’m not making enough of an effort; feeling isolated in my challenges. Why is that I ask myself? What has changed recently? And what can I do about it?

I can relate to a lot of what I hear about some people who have had weight loss surgery. Somewhere in the process, they reach a point where the physical limitations of their smaller stomach cannot combat the mental limitations they impose upon themselves by continuing to search for some comfort or fulfillment from food. Instead of a physical surgery, I’ve retrained myself to choose (and enjoy) healthier foods. I, also, now enjoy exercise, and I stop eating when I’m full. But, I’m well aware that the elusive “fullness” sought through food is never gratifying in the long term. Thus, the physical feeling of fullness isn’t necessary; only the diminishment of hunger. It’s that fine line between the two that becomes the fundamental judgment call on the part of every former food addict. I like the analogy of a full glass of a beverage. We associate full with being a good thing… and it is, in many areas of life. But, say you have a glass of iced tea, full to the brim. That glass is going to be hard to carry, and it will be a struggle to get from one place to the next without some spilling over a bit. But if you leave just a bit of room at the top of the glass when pouring your drink, you can easily pick it up, walk across the room, sit down and enjoy it. This is how I look at my approach to food. I don’t “diet” anymore, in the sense that I don’t count calories or restrict myself to a certain “plan.” I just try to pay attention to how full the glass is, so to speak, leaving room to move about with ease, rather than be transfixed on the brim of the glass, trying to prevent a spill.

But, I’m not always successful. Some digestive challenges, and possibly just changes in my body as I age, have made things feel different, and it’s harder to distinguish those physical feelings. I eat primarily vegetables, fruits, beans, nuts, seeds, and a little grain (primarily oats, quinoa & rice). I try to limit excess oils and salt, and drink lots of water. Nutritionally, I’m at the point where I just don’t think there’s much I can do better without completely stressing myself out with food preparation and becoming socially isolated. It just seems like a journey to find what works best for me, then that works for awhile, then it doesn’t… And beyond the specific foods I choose to eat, I’ve come to greatly appreciate the other aspects of wellness that so deeply impact my life; mainly managing stress and getting enough sleep. Feeling good is not an all or nothing deal, but if there’s not relative balance in the areas of nutrition, physical activity, stress management and adequate sleep, long term success is likely to be more of a challenge.

Yet, my acknowledgement and awareness of these feelings are progress in and of themselves. I’m okay. I’m breathing through it. I can relinquish control, because it’s an illusion anyway. I can just focus my attention in the direction I want to go, and let go of worrying about what the destination is like, while remembering to enjoy the ride!

So, on that note, rather than focusing on food or what I’m going to prepare for the week, and whether my weight is up or down a pound (because that’s all it’s been doing for a year now), I’m going to focus on these recent feelings of anxiety and stress, and look at other areas where the balance is off. I’m going to start with SLEEP and relaxation! I’ve struggled with insomnia on and off throughout my adult years. I never have trouble staying asleep (unless I’m woken up by a baby three times a night). It’s the getting to sleep; the winding down; the letting go of the day, that has always posed a challenge to me. So, I’ll start here, at the threshold to the dream world.

Food Photo Fatigue

Monday, 19 January 2009

This past few days, thankfully, have been a little less hectic! This week, to inspire myself to be creative and enjoy my food, I decided to do a photo food diary on Flickr. I would photograph everything I eat, every day, then post it on my Flickr photostream. I’m a week into it, and I’m thinking… no… not the motivational tool I had imagined. It’s fun to be creative with food, but I don’t want to get caught up in holding myself accountable to being too detailed with my accounts of my food because it starts to feel like just another task on my to-do list. And if it feels like that, it seems like I’m on a diet. And, though I have specific preferences now, and actually enjoy healthy foods, I won’t do dieting anymore. The minute I perceive myself to be restricted, the lens through which I view my life shifts from one of abundance and possibilities to one of lack and limitation. This triggers old feelings of defeat and failure from my yo-yo dieting past. And, naturally, I don’t want to go down that path. Looking back on my old food journal entries, it’s neat having that chronicle of my food consumption as a little window into where I was in my life then. But, there’s a balance to be found between recording life and living it. Thus, I’ll just resolve to go back to photographing things when I feel like it, which feels fun and creative, not like a chore. Also, I’ll continue to use the venue of this blog to vent my challenges and successes. It’s most therapeutic!

Even having abandoned the “I’m going on diet on Monday” mentality, I’m still a planner, and I enjoy trying new routines, seeing how different foods affect how I feel, and experimenting with exercise. My challenge now is to just pay closer attention to how I feel, stop when I’m not quite yet full, and continue with the exercise. The more days in a row I do that, the better I feel, and the weight stabilizes. It just requires trusting in myself to make good decisions and keeping those self-defeating voices in my head in check by focusing on the positive in every situation.

Manic Mama

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

I'm still working on the planning ahead thing, getting enough sleep and not feeling rushed all the time... As for today, I'd give myself a 5 out of 10. Ugh... It went something like this...

To bed at 3am (was shooting for 1am)… Up at 9am… workout (treadmill), make breakfast, put together snack for EarthScouts, feed Zofia, check email, write a short note to a family member, cancel dentist appointment… 11am… good… I’ll get in the shower in ten minutes… Empty dishwasher… Joe’s hungry again… make him a quick snack… Zofia had a blow-out… change that… Now she’s crying… feed her again… Flo is sitting around doing nothing… tell her to get dressed… Tell her again three times… 11:45… crap… I can still get in the shower and be out by noon… want to stop by grocery store to get juice boxes for group… no problem… Kids are fed… I can get out of the door by 12:15… Almost in the shower… my mom calls… tell her I’m getting in the shower… talk later… put Zofia in her room… she starts screaming… go in and try to divert her attention with some toys… try to leave to get in shower… Nope… still crabby… Call Flo up to play with her while I shower… Flo’s STILL not dressed… Give Flo the “Don’t you want to go see your friends?” speech and that you’d think if she did, she’d be a little more motivated on days when we need to get somewhere on time… Blah blah blah… NOON… Crap… maybe I shouldn’t wash my hair in the shower? No, it’s been a couple days… need to wash it… darn… five extra minutes… I won’t use conditioner! Shower… AHHHH…..

Out of shower… BRRR… freezing! 12:10…. Oh man… the dog slept on the outfit I laid out for today… PU… can’t wear that… And where’d all my clean underwear go? Oh… Zofia dumped the basket and redistributed the contents… lovely… Ok… found some… ooh… and two matching sox in under 2 minutes! 12:15… Ok… start yelling at everyone to get moving! Come on! Darren offers to take kids, so I can take a few extra minutes… Thanks! Head out to Martin’s… then to EarthScouts… Phew! Not too late! Mission Accomplished! Sit in EarthScouts/Reading Club for a couple hours (Thanks Jodi!)… enjoyed the interlude….

Back in the car… home at 4pm… start dinner… Darren and Joe have to leave for hockey in 45 minutes… Flo and I have to leave for music at 5:30… Feed Darren and kids… Zofia is tired and cranky… go sit down and nurse her for a few minutes… put her in her highchair with some veggies… she falls asleep… Great! Will have to wake her up in fifteen minutes to go to music lessons… 5:15… I’ll just start the dishes… then I’ll put together a salad and a smoothie to take with me, so I can eat in peace in the car while I wait for Flo. Ok… food to go ready… ooh… find my book… got it… Wake up Zofia… she’s mad! Feed her for a few minutes…. Check diaper… not TOO wet… will change it in the car! Start yelling at Flo to hurry up… get off the computer… get her music stuff together… We’re late! Come on!

In the car, get to music lessons just on time… Flo goes in… AHHH… quiet… Eat my dinner in solitude while listening to radio… Zofia starts to squirm… get her out of car seat… She entertains herself in my lap for a half an hour pushing buttons and flickering the headlights and windshield washers…. So much for reading while I’m waiting! Oh well… I’m trying to be “in the moment” and appreciate this cute little kid I have a moment or two to focus on without any distractions. Ok… 5:50… we should go in and wait for Flo and check the schedule board to see if there’s a better time for lessons, so we don’t have to rush around again like this next week! Brr… it’s cold out here! Waiting… Zofia taps on a keyboard… No open slots in the schedule… will have to keep the same time for now… Oh well…

There’s Flo… off we go… Home again at 7:30pm… Joe just getting back from hockey… He’s hungry, of course! Feed him… Damn! Forgot to put the dishwasher through before I left, so dishes are still dirty and I can’t load it again until it’s done. UGH… Then the time period between 8pm and now (11:30pm) flew by with getting ready for bed, entering Joe’s hockey schedule into my calendar, helping Darren get ready for work tomorrow (he goes to DC on Thursdays), checking my e-mail, letting the dog out, letting him back in, throwing a wash in the washer, folding some towels… Now that I have time to breathe and reflect on things, I’m too tired to do much at all! I always wonder if I can manage my time better or something, but I don’t feel like I sit around wasting time… So, I’m trying not to beat myself up about things, and just do my best…

In between there, I did squeeze in eating plenty of healthy food, though probably in too much of a rush and maybe too much quantity. But, as for nutrition and health, I’d say it was a good day!

But, feeling rushed and tired is often a sure recipe for crankiness… so, I’ll have to continue to work on the sleep routine (or lack of one) and really plan ahead for days when we’re really busy. All I can do is keep working to improve things, but while also acknowledging that things are good as they are, and I can just appreciate that, too!

Bon nuit!

Photo Food Diary

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Ok… so the photo food journaling is a little challenging! Well, in terms of photographing EVERYTHING I eat; a bit of the kid's apple, a lick of a spoon; a sip of coffee; whatever… So, to squelch my perfectionist self in the pursuit of the true photographic rendering of my food consumption, I think I will be liberal with my own "rules." I will photograph my main meals, and anything I eat that is convenient to photograph. But, if I forget something, or don't have a camera handy, I'm not going to forego eating until a camera is available! Ha! I will also use my blog to fill in the gaps, and just to keep myself accountable and being cognizant of not "mindlessly eating." After all, it's supposed to be a fun project, not another task on my to-do list, and if it feels like a chore, it will feel like a diet, and that's not my aim.

I still feel like I'm recovering from a food hangover from Sunday's potluck. I've noticed that I eat so little salt now, that when I do, it takes me a few days to feel not-so-bloated again. But, that's okay. I'm enjoying making lots of yummy smoothies lately; homemade salad dressings and fresh salads with all sorts of raw veggie and beans. After a few days of keeping things in balance, I start feeling much better. So, it's worth the effort!

I'm also working on making salads more convenient by having the veggies pre-chopped, and also making something once a week, like healthy muffins, for the kids, so they have something easy to grab in the morning or when we're on the way out the door and realize we haven't eaten yet! Some days go better than others. When I'm not getting enough sleep is when I find it most challenging to get everything done, so I know I need to make sleep a priority. I always just feel like there's so much I need and want to do, so I cram sleep into five or six hour interludes for a week or so, and then it catches up with me. So, I want to really focus on creating a sleep routine; bring books in my room; hope the baby settles down, listen to some soothing music, and welcome sleep at a reasonable hour (like before 1am). We'll see how that goes!

Potluck Success

Monday, 12 January 2009

Today we hosted a vegan potluck, and had a great turnout. So, it was nice to meet some new people, as well as, have a variety of food to enjoy. Unfortunately, I was so preoccupied with my kids, that by the time I ate my salad, and a smoothie, I was pretty full, and didn’t get a chance to sample everything. But, I always enjoy sharing recipes and seeing what it is others enjoy making. So, that was fun.

I’m really finding the “green” smoothies we’re making with the VitaMix to be a great way to get more greens and have a filling meal quickly. So, I will try to get more creative with those, using lots of the fruits and veggies we get from our weekly produce co-op.

Tomorrow I’m going to start keeping a food journal again; just kind of as a delineation in my efforts to improve some of my digestive issues, and to work towards losing ten pounds or so, however long that takes. So, I’m going to try to make it a photo journal, so I’m hoping that the thought of taking a picture of everything I eat will cause me to slow down a bit and ponder my choices more. It may be challenging to always have a camera on hand when eating, but I'll try to get creative!

VitaMixing Veggie Queen

Friday, 09 January 2009

Surprisingly, today had a much more relaxing and balanced vibe to it, despite the fact that I hosted a large group of homeschoolers for a journaling club. I got a little earlier start this morning, getting up around 10am to work out and then got the kids going. I didn’t even think about food until several minutes before the journaling club kids arrived, so I just had an apple. It was one of those days, where I could have just eaten nothing. I had no hunger drive at all until I actually ate later on in the afternoon. I thought ahead yesterday, and spent the quiet hours of the night chopping up butternut squash, so we would have an easy meal this evening, before Darren and Joe headed out to hockey practice.

So, I very much enjoyed a bowl of butternut squash and a big salad with chickpeas and various raw veggies. My dessert was a chocolate smoothie made of banana, a few dried apricots, two dates, a handful of pumpkin seeds, a piece of squash, cocoa powder, ice and water. You’ll probably notice the pumpkin seed theme for the next month or two, as we have twenty seven pounds of them, along with seven pounds of dates, and five of dried apricots. So, we’ll have to find lots of creative uses for them! Anyway, my smoothie rocked! It tasted like chocolate pudding, and totally satisfied that chocolate craving. Yummo!

Oh, so my VitaMix blender, which I use pretty much daily, for smoothies, dressings, sauces, and such, died again last week! In a panic, I called the company to make good on my warranty… again… as this is the second time I’ve returned this machine in less than a year. I was told there was a few week turn-around time on repairs. I expressed my distress about going that long without our beloved appliance. In response to my VitaMixing withdrawal anxiety, they suggested a good deal on a refurbished model that would be delivered in a matter of days. So, despite the redundancy of eventually having two of these blending apparatus, I opted to go ahead and treat myself, as it was almost too good a deal to pass up. So, can you believe, today the FedEx guy delivered BOTH my old VitaMix (repaired), and the new model? What happened to the three week turn-around time on repairs? UGH! Well, anyway, I’m not upset… it’s paid for… and now I have a back-up. And, I’m sure they will both get their fair share of use! I joked the other day to just call me the VitaMixing Veggie Queen, which conjured up images of the I Love Lucy Show and the "Vita-Meata-Vega-Min" episode! Love that!

Speaking of VitaMix…. I have an abundance of rather bland apples, so I was searching on YouTube for ideas, and this VitaMix video came up… This guy is way too excited about applesauce!

Flo is at a friend’s house, Darren and Joe are off at hockey practice now, and it’s just a very tired Zofia and me. I’m looking forward to a nice weekend. Tomorrow we have nothing on the schedule, except cleaning a little for our monthly vegetarian potluck that we’re hosting at our house this month. So, Sunday we’ll have people over, but that’s always enjoyable. At least we don’t have to go anywhere! It’s so much easier to have people over, than to get out of the house on time! Ha!

As we’re now well into January, and the newness of the New Year is fading, I’m getting myself in that creative space to move forward with my health goals. One thing I think would be fun, will be to do a photographic food diary for awhile. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to remember to photograph everything I eat, but I will give it a go for a few weeks. When I started my weight-loss journey, I kept a very simple food journal on this website every day, and it kept me motivated to pay attention to nourishing myself well. It was also an interesting record to look back on a few years later to see what worked for me then, and how things have changed. With that in mind, I’ll give it another go by posting my daily food pics/journal on Flickr.

Well, my quiet alone time has come to an end, as Zofia just woke up. But, it’s been a nice day, and I’m feeling good! Can’t ask for more!

Kind Words to Myself

Thursday, 08 January 2009

Well, I’ll be honest. Today didn’t start out great. I had a hard time sleeping last night, and overslept this morning. The kids and I both slept in until almost 11:30am. We’re not generally really early-risers, usually getting up before 10. But, 11:30 just feels like most of the day is over before we’ve even had breakfast, and I feel like I've somehow lost time or something.

So, since the kids were still lounging around, I rattled off a few chores I’d like them to do, and I headed down to the basement to walk on the treadmill for a half hour. That went fine, as usual, and I even got a little cleaning done while I was down there.
When I got back upstairs, it was around 12:30, and of course, everyone was hungry; me included. I didn’t have anything easy prepared, so I thought I’d be creative and make some red quinoa I’ve had for awhile and been wanting to try. It was really good. Even without anything added to it, I liked it. So, I ate a small bowl of that, and made some for the kids with a little soymilk, vanilla and agave nectar. They ate it all, so they must have liked it, too.

Then Joe reminded me that we got our twenty-seven pound box of pumpkin seeds from our co-op the other day, and I had promised to make him “pumpkin seed butter” when they arrived. So, I went to the garage and hauled in the giant box containing a large vacuum-sealed bag of pumpkin seeds. Everyone enjoyed the hissing sound of the air coming out as I sliced open the bag.

To keep it as healthy as possible, I opted not to roast the pumpkin seeds this time, or to add much, or any, added oil. So, looking around the kitchen, I tried to find things that would help solidify the ground up pumpkin seeds (in the food processor) and give it a spreadable type consistency. So, I got out the dried apricots we just ordered and threw a handful in there, too. Then I grabbed a handful, and ate them while I was working.

“Yum, those are so good. They’d be really tasty with something crunchy.“

So, I grabbed a handful of walnuts… and another handful of apricots. Now Zofia was crying, the motor on the food processor was wailing and Flo and Joe were fighting over the computer.

“Ooh… these apricots would taste really good dipped in almond butter. Let me try that!”

The motor on the food processor smells like it’s burning up. After all, the thing is probably as old as I am.

“Let’s try Joe’s pumpkin seed butter. Oooooh…. This is really good! Sweet and creamy! Joe’s going to love this! Let me get some crackers out and try it, too.”

There I am, in the kitchen, zoning out over an open jar of raw almond butter, stuffing dried apricots into my mouth, and dipping crackers into Joe’s pumpkin seed butter, momentarily caught up in the blissful sensation of sweet nuttiness, when I suddenly realize that I am absolutely compulsively eating. Wait a minute! I don’t do this anymore! I know I’d never do this if it were Twinkies and candy bars, but still! Ok ok. I know this is just a response to stress. I’m rushing. The kids are fighting. It’s an escape. Good. I can recognize it. But now I still feel bad. I’ve probably eaten a day’s worth of fat and calories in apricots, walnuts and pumpkin seed “butter”. And to top it off, now I’m feeling kind of gross.

This is hard to write. I feel like when someone has lost weight and kept it off, there’s an expectation that they have found the key. The problem is, life keeps changing the locks! And what’s the point in writing and expressing myself if I’m going to filter my thoughts through my perception of what I should be, as opposed to who I really am in the moment? I do feel like I’ve got the tools I need, and I have no problem maintaining my weight, despite occasional over-indulgences. It’s just the forward progress with which I have problems. I want to go all the way! I came this far… I want to get to my goal weight… whatever that is… and feel really great while I’m still in my 30’s! But you know what? My perspective and self-talk these days is immeasurably more loving and supportive of myself than it was five years ago.

Back then I would have said…

“Screw it! Those apricots and nuts have so much fat and sugar it them, even if it is natural! You blew it! The day is a write-off! What else is in the pantry?“

Now, it’s more like…

“Darn. You kind of lost focus there for a moment. You must have been feeling overwhelmed or stressed. You need to slow it down, plan a little better for yourself, and not take on culinary experiments when you’re hungry and the kids are full of energy. This is no big deal. At least apricots and nuts are healthy. You just ate too many of them at once. Maybe you need to store them where they’re not so readily accessible when you’re stressed. Anyway, if you take it easy for the rest of the day, have a small salad and lots of water, and maybe go for an extra little walk, things will even out in the end. It’s not the end of the world! You’re okay! Challenges present themselves for a reason. Look for the lesson here and have faith that there is one!”

Ok… enough of my continued internal dialogue… one might think I’m a little loopy!

So, after getting the baby down for a nap, and occupying Flo and Joe with a computer math game, I made myself a simple cup of tea, went upstairs, sat down here at my desk and took a few deep breaths. I feel a little bloated, but okay. I’m going to give myself a kitchen break for the rest of the day! I just don’t want to deal with food. I gave Flo instructions to nuke an organic burrito for herself and her brother when they are hungry later. There is fruit for them to get themselves, and Darren already packed his lunch to take to DC with him today. So, things aren’t so bad… I can relax… I only have a little laundry left to finish and some tidying up to do for our journaling club meeting tomorrow, but there’s time to just breathe. 4pm… let’s see how the rest of the day goes!

Fast forward to 11pm. Kids are still up. There is general chaos with the attempts to get everyone wound down for the night, which is unlikely to happen soon, considering they slept in until past 11am this morning! Zofia’s into everything, Joe wants to play hockey and Flo is pinging off the walls. Fun! However, this evening, Darren did watch Zofia for an hour or so, while Flo and I went down in the basement and dug out all the workout videos. We tried a few, laughed at the people, and moved on to the next one. I realize I don’t like the cardio workout videos. I feel like I have to focus too much on the “moves” and feel uncoordinated. I ended up just doing fifteen minutes of my own thing using the step and some weights, then I hopped on the treadmill for ten minutes at a high incline. Flo played around with the resistance bands and the hand weights and chatted with me. It was a nice little alone time together, and a chance to get in a few more minutes of exercise. And, it was good to go through my video collection and weed out the ones I don’t care for much, and the ones I’d be more likely to use regularly.

Physically, the fat and sugar over indulgence today, albeit naturally derived from fruit and nuts, has left me feeling bloated and itchy. Sometimes, it’s good to have such an obvious physical reaction to something, as it serves as a reminder next time you’re inclined to repeat the behavior. I really wonder if I’m allergic to walnuts. They make my mouth feel funny, and my skin is so itchy tonight. They’re so yummy in salads, though. Of course, it could just be the amount. I seem to be okay with a handful in my salad, but not so much when I eat them by themselves. Who knows…

Sometimes journaling about my weight and the hurdles I jump over trying to maintain balance in my life seems a tad on the ego-centric side. Oh wait! That’s because it is. It’s all about me! At least I’m aware of it. Right now I’m reading Happier than God by Neale Donald Walsch, and the last thing I read today was appropriate; with a focus on renewal and moving forward, in spite of past behaviors.

“To react is to do exactly what the word suggests. It is to “act again, as you did before.” This is a sure path to unhappiness, for the greatest happiness is creation, not reaction.”

I found that inspiring, as it puts the focus on creating your own experience, and letting go of previous notions about yourself, to act according to your desired experience in the present moment. Whoa! Too deep! We’ll stop there for today, with a grateful heart and an open mind…

I always look to music or art for inspiration… Today’s inspiration of the day came to me via YouTube…. “That I Would be Good” by Alanis Morissette. Lyrics to live by.

Spending Time

Wednesday, 07 January 2009

Nutrtion/health-wise, I’m doing fine… aside from a slight organic walnut and dried fruit pig-out after co-op pick-up yesterday. I was starving when I got home, the kitchen was a mess and I still hadn’t thought of anything for dinner. While putting away groceries, chopping up veggies and dealing with a crabby baby, I downed several excess handfuls of walnuts and dried apricots, and a couple really tasty dates. But, it was nothing overly guilt-inducing, and after a brief period of disorganization and fatigue, my energy kicked in and I made salads for me and Darren, and beans and rice for the kids. Our evening then proceeded without any other dietary glitches.

One of our other New Year’s Resolutions, is to start off the year with a one month spending freeze. That means really distinguishing between wants and needs, and limiting purchases to only the NEEDS. Cutting out Starbucks, and an occasional trip to one of our favorite natural foods destinations for dinner shouldn’t be too challenging, but I realize the importance of just staying out of stores all together. Tonight, while waiting for Flo during her music lessons, to get out of the cold, I wandered around BestBuy for awhile. I didn’t need or want anything when I went in, but as I looked around, I could see how easy it is to get lulled into feeling the need to just buy something… My internal dialogue went something like this…

Self - “Ooh… look, this cordless phone is on sale. The caller ID on the phone in the kitchen doesn’t work anymore. We NEED a new phone.”

Self 2 - “No, we don’t NEED a new phone. Before we came in here today, you weren’t even thinking about a phone. And if someone calls, and you want to know who it is first, you can just walk in the other room and look at THAT caller ID display.”

Self 1 – “Ya, you’re right. I have an hour to kill during Flo’s lessons… let’s just walk around a little more. Ooh… look. This looks like a cool yoga work-out DVD. I want to do more yoga. It’s been a goal of mine for a long time.”

Self 2 – “Last time I looked, you had four or five yoga videos collecting dust in the basement. Why don’t you dust those off, and try them for awhile first. If you committed to incorporating more yoga into your routine, and did so for awhile, THEN it would be reasonable to consider purchasing another DVD. Right now, it’s not a NEED.”

Self 1 – “Ok. What else can I do for another half an hour? I’ll go to the bathroom. I have to pee…. Ok… that only took three minutes. Hmm… Ooh… look… digital video cameras. I so want to get into taking more videos of the kids, and the old video camera is a pain. I know I’m not going to buy one today, but we really should look into getting one soon.”

Self 2 – “Why? Doesn’t your regular digital camera take video?”

Self 1 – “Well, yes. But, it doesn’t have zoom, and isn’t the highest quality.”

Self 2 – “Are you taking videos from a football field away, or are you usually right up close, anyway?”

Self 1 – “Well, yes… I guess we generally just take video clips, anyway, and aren’t producing films for production. I’ll put that out of my head for awhile and revisit it later… maybe around my birthday.”

Self 2 – “That sounds like a reasonable plan.”

Self 1 – “Oh, you know what I really NEED? A printer. Our printer only prints in funky colors because the yellow ink spot doesn’t work.”

Self 2 – “Are the funky ink colors a problem?”

Self 1 – “Well, yes. What if I want to print something professional looking?”

Self 2 – “What if you did?”

Self 1 – “Argh! I suppose the only things I ever print are for my own use for the co-op or homeschooling, and anything professional-looking I’ve wanted printed out, I just upload to Kinkos.com and pick it up for a few bucks. And I’ve only done that a few times this year. So… forget the printer…. Moving right along…. 20 minutes left… I think I’ll just stand here in the TV section and watch the “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” DVD they have playing on this huge TV. Johnny Depp looks weird. Why haven’t I seen this movie before? Probably because whenever my kids are watching TV, I’m trying to get stuff done during the interlude of media-induced solitude!”

Self 2 – “Yes, speaking of television… what about that cable bill of yours? If you want to talk about wants versus needs…”

Self 1 – “Shut up! Let me just stand here, pretending to watch TV, while eavesdropping on a couple trying to decide whether to buy a TV or not. That’s entertaining.”

Self 2 – “Sorry.”

Self 1 – “Man, I really want to go to Starbucks. A hot coffee would go down so well right now.”

Self 2 – “Look. Only five minutes left and Flo will be done. You can go warm up the car and head home, make yourself a nice cup of coffee, have Darren watch Zofia for a few minutes, and write out this nutty conversation with yourself, before you forget!”

Self 1 – “That’s a good idea. Looking at it that way gives it a sense of creativity, and takes the edge off just feeling anxious standing around in a store thinking about all the things I WANT, but don’t need. I think next week, I’ll just bring a coffee and a good book, hope the baby falls asleep, and sit in the car while I wait for Flo!”

Self 2 – “Good thinking!”

Self 1 – “Thanks!”

So, as anticipated, long ago, when I began my attempts at weight loss, there are multitudes of other challenges in life that exist, both related to, entwined with, and outside of my physical health. Of course, feeling physically well provides some clarity to the rest of it, but there are all kind of fortitude needed in life!

More Random Thoughts...

Tuesday, 06 January 2009

So, you either love Oprah, or you hate her. I’ve been watching her show since I was thirteen years old, so I guess much of my world view was filtered through her program. I still enjoy the show, and generally watch it while walking on the treadmill in the mornings. A new season of shows began today, and commenced with Oprah, once again, sharing her very public challenges with her weight. So many people think that with all the resources she has, that she has no excuses. But, it just points out that we all have common challenges in our lives that money alone can’t resolve; to which we have to dig deeper to find the answers.

So many of the questions and tidbits of info regarding weight loss have become cliché, and sort of just pass over as background noise. But, Bob Greene had five questions to pose to viewers today, which at first glance, I would just toss into the self-help file in my head, and not give much more thought to them. But, for some reason, I decided to actually think about the questions and see where it led me.

So, here they are, and I answered them intuitively and quickly, without a lot of introspection or forethought.

1. What are you really hungry for?
   Time to think and be creative.

2. Why are you overweight?
   I don’t feel really overweight anymore, but I know I still have things blocking me from really feeling I’ve reached my potential. So, why? I think definitely because I ate for emotion reasons (to fill myself up – lack of fulFILLment and balance in other areas of my life).

3. Why have you been unable to maintain weight loss in the past?
   Because I changed the behavior, but not the motivation behind the behavior. This has slowly changed for me, as I’m more aware of my thoughts and the power of navigating them in the right direction. I’ve maintained my weight loss, for the most part, despite a pregnancy, for about four years, which gives me a lot of confidence in the fact that I’ve really overhauled my lifestyle. Still, I know that if I could be almost 250 pounds at one point in my life, it could happen again. So, I would never be so bold as to say I’ve got all the answers. I’m learning as I go.

4. What in your life is not working?
   My schedule. Not sure how to fix this. I don’t THINK we’re overscheduled, but I always feel rushed and like, at the end of the day, I’ve just run out of time to get things done. Partly, maybe, it’s poor time management, but most days I do everything I need to do; it’s just the extras that I’d like to get done that fall by the wayside, and maybe leave me feeling a little unfulfilled and unaccomplished.

5. Why do you want to lose weight?
   To realize my potential; to feel my life from the vantage point of a healthy body. To be someone who values herself and her body, and loves herself enough to be able to fully love and appreciate others.
   

So, I’m kind of using this week to reset my focus and come up with some creative inspirations to launch into the New Year.

One obstacle I’m noticing that keeps coming up in my day to day routine, is that around 2 or 3 o’clock most days, I’m starting to get really hungry; a physical hunger, not an emotional drive to eat. If I don’t have an enjoyable, healthy meal planned for myself and/or the rest of the family, I feel a sense of anxiety and frustration, knowing that one of two things will happen… #1 – I will have to rush home, spend time prepping and preparing food, and try my best not to pick at stuff or overeat while preparing a meal, culminating in a, hopefully, relaxing, nourishing meal, or #2 – I will surpass the hunger mode and move into that grouchy, resentful mode where I feel overwhelmed by all I have to do to feed myself and everyone else in the family, and will end up overeating stuff like nuts, dried fruit, fruit, nutbutter, or whatever quick and “healthy” foods I have on hand.

So, that objective of meal planning keeps popping up. The days when I know I have something enjoyable and reasonably easy to prepare ready for us, I feel so much calmer and relaxed about my day. When there’s uncertainty as to what we’re going to eat and the degree of effort and amount of time involved in preparing it, I feel stressed and overwhelmed.

Of course, if it were just me, that would be different. I could hold off, take my time preparing whatever it is I want, and make a ritual of my meal, consuming it in quiet solitude, while savoring each bite in grateful appreciation for the nourishing options and resources I have available to me. But, this is not the case. I have children, who must eat at regular intervals, and continually remind me of that fact. I love them, so there is no resentment or anger involved in this process, but it is just an obstacle I must factor into the whole “nourishing myself” program.

Hence, I must at least give some forethought to my day, how I want it to play out, and what I can do to minimize the stress of preparation of food, while still not spending all my time in the kitchen. Because of the way we choose to eat, with basically no processed or packaged foods, it can be more time-consuming. But, I know from experience, when things are in balance and going well, that it can be done, and the results are enjoyable and health-promoting.

I’m just not sure about the HOW of the pre-planning yet. By the time I might have time to think about food for the next day, I’m generally too tired to think at all. So, I suspect the meal-planning goal will be more of a time-management goal, than a food issue.

I just had this silly thought about some pioneer woman, a couple hundred years ago, scrounging around in her garden, trying to come up with enough nourishment to make another meal for her family. Here I am, trying to manage the over abundance of nourishing resources I have available. I guess that just illustrates the resourcefulness of the individual to adapt to her surroundings. So, accordingly, my journey of adaptation continues…

Continuing the Journey with Friends on Board

Saturday, 03 January 2009

Finally, my Food Fog Yahoo group has been revived! With the help of a bunch of great friends, all eager to declare their intentions for the New Year and support one other in our efforts to improve upon ourselves, the list is now thriving and ready to be a tool for motivation and inspiration! Yeah!

Today marks the four year point in my journey to better health. Sometimes that seems like ages ago, and sometimes it seems like just yesterday. I know four years is a long time to develop and implement new habits, and my perceptions of myself and what I can accomplish certainly have changed. But, four years is a drop in the bucket compared to the previous lifetime of bad habits I developed. Though I feel stable on my current path, I’m well aware that it’s important to keep looking forward; to keep learning about what works for me and how to best enjoy this process.

So, as I delve into goal-setting for the New Year, I don’t have anything too lofty to add to my list on the health and fitness front. I’d like to see my weight go down about ten pounds this year. But, I’m not really willing to do anything too radical to get it done quite yet. Maybe some wave of inspiration will come, and I’ll be compelled to go to the gym everyday and really focus on portion sizes. But, I’d be more than happy to just keep doing what I’m doing, with a little more focus on portion control and adding an occasional additional exercise to my 30 minute daily walk.

I don’t plan to start weighing myself again until maybe mid-month this month. I want a couple weeks to just set the intention to be more prepared and watch my portion sizes. Then, I’ll see where I am (I suspect still at the same plateau I’ve been at for months), and set a specific goal for the year. I’ve weighed myself so regularly for so long, it almost feels like a leap of faith to just stay away from the scale, and trust myself to be okay without a number validating my success or failures. I know I’m doing fine. My clothes all fit the same; I feel the same. I’m eating healthy foods until I feel comfortable and not gorging on junk food, so it’s all good. I can take a vacation from “weight-watching” for a few weeks and be alright!

I try to be creative with my approach to food. I like to prepare things the day before if I have time. Then the next day, it kind of feels like “convenience food” because all the work is already done. I got one of those Vidalia Onion choppers, which has been great for helping me chop up a bunch of veggies and store them in glass Pyrex containers, so I can quickly throw together salads or veggies dishes.

But, I really need to plan better for the kids’ breakfasts. I like to soak oats in either pumpkin seed “milk” or soy yogurt, with a little brown rice syrup, vanilla, and frozen fruit to make “parfaits,” so they have something quick and convenient when they get up. We’ve pretty much eliminated dry cereals from our house, which I think is a good step for health, but definitely not for convenience. That was their staple morning breakfast for awhile. Even though I bought low sugar, whole grain, organic cereals, I don’t think it’s a healthy option for them for everyday, and that’s all they would want to eat when it’s in the house. So, we’re trying to diversify and start the day with more whole foods.

We were doing a lot of “green” smoothies, and the kids were loving them, until my stupid VitaMix blender broke… again! So, we’re waiting for it to be repaired, and in the meantime I’ll have to get more creative. But one of our favorite smoothies has been:

4 cups raw spinach
3 frozen bananas
1 large apple
1 medium carrot
1 orange
1 cup frozen blueberries
½ cup organic raw pumpkin seeds
1 tbsp flax seed meal
2 cups water
2 tablespoons organic cocoa powder (this is optional… I like chocolate!)
- This makes three good size smoothies.

This sounds like it would be gross, but in a good blender, you don’t even taste all the spinach, and it makes me feel really good to get that much greens into the kids. So, we’re looking forward to the return of our favorite kitchen gadget!

I guess one of the challenges to my personal health and dietary focus, is the fact that we choose a vegan diet, with mostly whole foods, and I have a son who is allergic to all nuts and some legumes. This often leaves me having to make something separate, and creative, just for him, because we love using nuts in our salad dressings, and we’re a big fan of lentils and chickpeas, which Joe is allergic to all of. If I don’t plan ahead (which I often don’t), it ends up being late in the afternoon, when everyone is hungry, and I feel totally stressed about what to prepare that everyone can eat and is healthy.

One thing I’d love to do this year is do a month long allergy trial for all of us. Since we already don’t eat dairy, which is generally where most people start, we’re left with wheat and soy as the starting points. Flo has been having increasingly bad bouts of eczema, and I’ve had long-term digestive issues that I’d like work on with diet. BUT, our life already seems so challenging with regards to diet, I keep hesitating making any other major changes. It wouldn’t be too hard to do, as we eat mostly whole foods and don’t eat a lot of either wheat or soy, but we do eat them. So, we would have to totally eliminate them and keep an accurate journal for a few weeks to see if there’s any change. So… something to aspire to…

But, for now…. to get more specific about my New Year’s resolutions, I think mine will be:

• Improve meal planning/prep to lesson meal-time stress
  
• Go to yoga once a month at the YMCA (I know this isn’t a lot, but I can commit to it)
  
• Journal regularly (minimum weekly)
  
• Stay home more & buy less (starting with a month long “buy nothing challenge”)
  
• Make sure I spend time doing something special with each of my kids individually at least once per week (ie, reading, craft, game, exercise, movie, cooking, etc)… this kind of falls into time management.
  

So, that’s it for now… I think this entry was a little haphazard and spilling over with tangents. But, I love writing, and even just babbling about where I am in life and things I’m aspiring towards, is a good thing to me. So, I’m looking forward to continuing the journey, and especially happy to have a bunch of good friends on board!