Sleepy Me

Monday, 26 January 2009

Sometimes you just need to pay attention to realize something is out of balance. I realized today that something is different. I’m feeling more anxious about everything and my sleep has been very disrupted. Actually, I’m not sure if that sentence should be reversed. My sleep has been very disrupted, and I’m feeling more anxious about everything. I think an intervention on behalf of myself is in order.

We’ve been doing a “spend nothing” month, meaning we spend nothing, except on necessities. So, that means asking at every juncture where money is to be spent, whether it’s a want or a need. More often than not, it’s a want, and we simply defer the impulse. We’re in our third week now, and it’s all been great, for the most part. We’ve spent less, obviously, we’ve stayed home more, we’re gotten more creative with things to do, and it’s opened up a lot of dialogue about money with the kids.

However, I think I’m starting to get cabin fever a bit. I spend most of my days home preparing a lot of meals from scratch; partly to save money and partly to continue on our quest for improved health. Some days are more labor intensive than others. I TRY to plan ahead, taking one day to chop veggies and fruits, make nut/seed/soy “milk,” bake low-sugar muffins or cookies for the kids, etc. But often, the distractions of life, and homeschooling activities (both in the home and elsewhere) interfere with my best intentions and ideal schedule, and I get overwhelmed with trying to meet everyone’s dietary needs and the seemingly endless thought it requires to manage.

I think reflecting on our spending habits, coupled with the New Year’s usual focus on health and fitness has definitely been the catalyst for these recent unsettled feelings. I’ve had all my vices taken away and I feel a lot of those feelings from my dieting past; feelings of anxiety about losing control, feeling like I’m not making enough of an effort; feeling isolated in my challenges. Why is that I ask myself? What has changed recently? And what can I do about it?

I can relate to a lot of what I hear about some people who have had weight loss surgery. Somewhere in the process, they reach a point where the physical limitations of their smaller stomach cannot combat the mental limitations they impose upon themselves by continuing to search for some comfort or fulfillment from food. Instead of a physical surgery, I’ve retrained myself to choose (and enjoy) healthier foods. I, also, now enjoy exercise, and I stop eating when I’m full. But, I’m well aware that the elusive “fullness” sought through food is never gratifying in the long term. Thus, the physical feeling of fullness isn’t necessary; only the diminishment of hunger. It’s that fine line between the two that becomes the fundamental judgment call on the part of every former food addict. I like the analogy of a full glass of a beverage. We associate full with being a good thing… and it is, in many areas of life. But, say you have a glass of iced tea, full to the brim. That glass is going to be hard to carry, and it will be a struggle to get from one place to the next without some spilling over a bit. But if you leave just a bit of room at the top of the glass when pouring your drink, you can easily pick it up, walk across the room, sit down and enjoy it. This is how I look at my approach to food. I don’t “diet” anymore, in the sense that I don’t count calories or restrict myself to a certain “plan.” I just try to pay attention to how full the glass is, so to speak, leaving room to move about with ease, rather than be transfixed on the brim of the glass, trying to prevent a spill.

But, I’m not always successful. Some digestive challenges, and possibly just changes in my body as I age, have made things feel different, and it’s harder to distinguish those physical feelings. I eat primarily vegetables, fruits, beans, nuts, seeds, and a little grain (primarily oats, quinoa & rice). I try to limit excess oils and salt, and drink lots of water. Nutritionally, I’m at the point where I just don’t think there’s much I can do better without completely stressing myself out with food preparation and becoming socially isolated. It just seems like a journey to find what works best for me, then that works for awhile, then it doesn’t… And beyond the specific foods I choose to eat, I’ve come to greatly appreciate the other aspects of wellness that so deeply impact my life; mainly managing stress and getting enough sleep. Feeling good is not an all or nothing deal, but if there’s not relative balance in the areas of nutrition, physical activity, stress management and adequate sleep, long term success is likely to be more of a challenge.

Yet, my acknowledgement and awareness of these feelings are progress in and of themselves. I’m okay. I’m breathing through it. I can relinquish control, because it’s an illusion anyway. I can just focus my attention in the direction I want to go, and let go of worrying about what the destination is like, while remembering to enjoy the ride!

So, on that note, rather than focusing on food or what I’m going to prepare for the week, and whether my weight is up or down a pound (because that’s all it’s been doing for a year now), I’m going to focus on these recent feelings of anxiety and stress, and look at other areas where the balance is off. I’m going to start with SLEEP and relaxation! I’ve struggled with insomnia on and off throughout my adult years. I never have trouble staying asleep (unless I’m woken up by a baby three times a night). It’s the getting to sleep; the winding down; the letting go of the day, that has always posed a challenge to me. So, I’ll start here, at the threshold to the dream world.