RawFu Challenge - Day 87

Thursday, 05 November 2009

I’m keeping it real today. The lyrics from the song “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter are playing in my head. Aside from a couple half hour reprieves on the treadmill and walking the dog, I spent most of the day in the kitchen, preparing food, or cleaning up the aftermath. Just when one meal was done, someone else was hungry. In the early afternoon, Darren got home from his weekly jaunt to DC for work, and I started making rice for this afternoon’s stir-fry for my in-laws and the kids. I suddenly just felt creatively drained and overwhelmed. I then almost unconsciously start nibbling on stuff over the next couple hours while preparing dinner… a bunch of frozen bananas, five or six dates with hemp seed and cocoa powder, handfuls of raisins and sprouted pumpkin seeds, a handful of goji berries, a cup of tea with hemp milk, an apple, and some raw chocolate smoothie I was making for Darren and his parents. All in all, these items don’t sound like a terrible junk-food binge, but it felt bad. I felt detached and unconscious, and that hasn’t happened to me more than a few times in the past five years.

Thus, I found myself, in the late afternoon, having to take a step back and assess the day’s dietary damage without beating myself up, but rather looking at it as an opportunity to examine why I responded that way. What was it I was responding to? My old self would have slipped into negativity, chastising myself for losing control and feeling weak or diminished in some way. My now self feels the physical impact of too many “sweets” and laments the setback. But, by tonight, after a few hours away from the kitchen, I feel resolute in my ability to go on tomorrow as usual, making sound and conscious food decisions for myself. In fact, I won’t even weigh myself tomorrow, because I know I won’t like the number. My old self could not resist measuring her self-worth by the number on the scale, especially after an episode of over indulgence. My now self says the number on the scale is a good indicator of long-term progress, but not an immediate measurement of success.

Still, today brings up all sorts of old addictive feelings and almost post-traumatic flashbacks of long periods of time spent not liking myself as a result of my relationship with food. Having covered the spectrum of disordered eating behavior, I pride myself on the recent years spent in the middle of that spectrum, practicing balance and moderation. It’s a good place to live; a platform for true growth and the experience of one’s authentic nature without the clutter of self-abuse. It’s where I want to stay, and even the occasional emergence of old thought patterns or compulsive behavior won’t take me back there.

So, rather than foster optimism from repentant promises to myself to go on a diet tomorrow, or start doing something differently, I draw inspiration from the awareness I’ve gained in recent years, and the certainty that I can accomplish anything I truly aspire to, as long as I just don’t get in my own way! Today my unconscious self was telling me something, so I will reflect on that, rather than the behavior it manifested, and see where that leads me.

Off to bed…